Something different
At first I was offended, hurt and mad. Then I became concerned for other people in this predicament. Now I am sorta laughing about it.
After someone dies there are “arrangments” to be made. If you have never had to makes these arrangements let me tell you what I have discovered. There is a certain amount of time to get your “loved one” from the hospital to the funeral home. the fees start as soon as they have them in custody. Sure the hospital helps you out by giving you a peice of paper with the numbers of many funeral homes in each city but if you are new to it you have no clue what to ask. here is my current experience and whats going on so far
My uncle passed away on the 16th today it the 18th
16th at around 11PM
I recognise a funeral “parlor” that we had a loved one go through years ago.
*Ring*
Sally “Hello (insert heavenly acres chapel of souls sounding name here) this is Sally”
Me “Hi, um, my uncle well… um… (insert long explanation of what happened in last few days of his life and how he was a happy man and how we all miss him) and now he is no longer with us”
Sally “ok, sorry about your loss”
Me “thank you (insert more life story) I hate to talk about money but what are the services and amount we would have tom you know *whispered* pay?*
Sally “I am not sure, I am the answering service and I can have a funeral assessmet member contact you within ten minutes”
Me “oh ok”
*ring*
Dan “Mister Cane?”
Me “Yes, Keeme”
Dan “I am so sorry about missprounouncing your nme and for your loss”
Me “(story) Thanks”
Dan “How may I help you?”
Me “Well I don’t know how to say this but *whispered* what are the costs for whatever we have to do?”
Dan “(explains how birds will fill the sky and white horses with pull the well dressed loved one through apple tree lined streets of gold) starting at 7800 not including taxes or extended warranty”
Me “and that for the entire thing, and a plot?”
Dan “no thats for the Delux Bang a Gong package”
Me “oh ok what about the plot”
Dan “I would have to have this other guy call you because I don’t know the details on that, can we get authourization to get your aunt?”
Me “Uncle, lemme talk to the family”
Dan “Ok, when will you talk to them?”
Me “10AM tomorrow”
Dan “I will have someone call you at 9AM”
this happened at two other places. Then I was grey area’ed with the “liner” or “Dome” required by the cemetary but not sold by them and not told about this by the funeralmart because it add’s 800 bucks to the inflated costs to boot. I called and got someone to price match the last place (horror story there but will tell y’all another time). It seemd like a good plan. They got authorization to “collect my uncle” and well,.,. here is how it went
Peggy (real name) “Mister Keeme, again let me say how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your aunt”
Me “thank you Peggy but my uncle is in a better place now”
Peggy “Yes he is, before you do this would you like to talk to your family”
Me “Yes”
about 10 minutes later my cousin Mary calls me, she found a place (brand new) that was half the price.
I called and the Funeralshack had already picked up my uncle. So I contacted the new place.
Cheryl “hello sorry about…”
Me “Yes Yes me too - can we discuss fees?”
Cheryl “3500 with this and that”
Me “we need to cut that too, what if we did this and that”
Cheryl “let me call you back with info”
Me “ok”
Funeralshack calls me
Peggy *way diff3erent sounding voice* “so you want take the bidy somewhere else”
Me “well yes, my uncle, I do”
Peggy “well! you know there are fees… transportation is 695! and they may have already prepped the corpse for embalming!”
Me “I called and apologized to the lady and asked them to not do anything yet since he was still on the road”
Peggy *breathing hard and angry” “this is just, I dunno, well we need this body gone by 5:30 no later, we need the space for *mumbles* people. I will find out what the other fees are and you need to pay this per our verbal contract mister keeme!”
Me “can you wave the fees please we cannot afford to do this already and these fees will most likely come out of my pocket”
Peggy “I really don’t know, this is a lot to ask of us. e had a contract for the deceased and we had to stop the procedure so there are other factors and fees, I need to know where the body is going and if this is about money I need to know so we can discuss that too I guess”
Me “I am so sorry”
Peggy “sure, I will talk to the owner about the fees but I am not sure since we had an agreement for services and we already have expenses”
SLAMS PHONE
I get a call back from her about 30 later
Nice as can be
no fees
not sure what happened
but My uncle is now at the new place.
My daughter just text messaged me
“I like these people, they are very cool here! when I told the lady I was your daughter she said ‘I thought he was like 25 he has a good voice’ HAHA DADDY”
My reply
Whats the fee for telling you that?
Just kidding, I said “Sweet!”
More later.
I have not slept well.. but I will after its all over… I miss my uncle and know he would have been cheering me on with his “you are the king of arguments dude”.
I love you Aunt Juanito (sorry, I mean Uncle Loved one 
)
